I walked into my friend, Betsy’s, house. I was greeted by the strange hissing noise of a
giant silvery stock pot with steam coming out of the top.
Her mom and younger sister were bustling about with food and glass jars.
“Mom’s canning carrots.” Betsy said, never failing to inform me of her family’s going’s-on. Having no clue what it meant to can something and not having the confidence to ask
I just smiled and nodded. “The carrots Mom is using are actually deer bait.”
She looked at me half expecting some sort of surprised reaction. B
ut again I just smiled and nodded.
Looking back I think she told me things to see how I would react,
but she didn’t really ever get much of a shocked reaction from me.
“Oh, apple cider has protein from the bugs in the apples? That’s interesting.
In fact that is kind of neat. Sure! I won’t tell anyone. :) ”
“The big black tub that we are washing the apples in is really used to water the horse and the cow.
Hmm, well if you washed it out I guess it’s okay. Sure, I won’t tell anyone. :)”
“You guys had to pick out some of the deer carrots because they were moldy from being in a
plastic sack. Hmm. You gotta do what you gotta do I guess. :)”
Later that evening I was standing next to Libby while she practiced her flute.
Wendy was sitting at the end of the dining room table talking to me trying to get to know me better.
Betsy’s youngest brother Logan was at the sink getting a drink of water. Her oldest brother Aaron
came in from working out in the barn.
Midst the hissing of the pressure canner, flute playing and chatter I see
Aaron begin to poke and tease his little brother who wasn’t even half of his age.
I was not impressed. Growing up in a family where “Stop” meant “Stop” the moment you say it,
I was disturbed that a young man approaching 30 would continue to harass a boy who wasn’t
even in high school yet. Still being a newcomer to their house I quieted the ‘crusader’ inside of me. If I was any braver...oh boy.
“Those canners are still hot!” Wendy raised her voice a little. Aaron stopped.
Logan drank his water with a scowl still on his face.
Aaron’s eyes met mine. Him still grinning after being scolded by his mother. Grow up!
I was giving him my “I am not impressed” look. I could tell he was a little embarrassed now.
Good. Picking on someone less than half your age- not impressive especially to a person like me.
Looking back, whether or not he was trying to show off I did not know.
But nevertheless I thought he was acting childish. Little did I know that he was
actually kind of interested in me. Years later he told me that whenever Betsy would
talk about this Lauren he wanted to hear what she had to say.
Proverbs 22:6 talks about training children onto the right path and when they
are old they will not leave it. Children are being trained 24/7 whether parents know it or not.
I find that a lot of what we are told indirectly as children has just as much if not more of a
lasting affect on us as we grow older.
Growing up we were not allowed to tease. Ever. Like never-forever-never-ever. Mom not only had eyes in the back of her head, but she also had super sonic hearing
and telepathy. Any sort of discord was squashed. Which was a disservice to me in the area
of conflict resolution but that’s another story.
When I stepped out into a bigger world I found for some that is not the case.
That’s not bad. It’s just different and I have come to find that, that’s okay.
“To be teased is to me loved.” I heard Betsy quote a friend of ours.
Presently, I can take teasing a little bit better than what I used to. Instead of a deadpan look
I can at least smile and even come up with a witty (witty for me anyway) comeback.
I can’t undo the past but I can probably take people who know me by surprise now.
Hey everyone! Hope you have been having a good week. Four of my husbands siblings have been gone to PA this week. So things have been pretty quiet and kind of empty. Things have been greening up on the farm lately. My garlic is growing. My rhubarb and Grandma's rosebush survived. I have been starting some seeds and we have been scouring seed catalogs. Aaron has been doing work outside and I am planning on moving flowers around soon.
The air is getting warmer and there is the smell of spring on the breeze. I am gearing up for a super busy summer. Gardening, Farm life, fixing up our old house, blueberries, canning. I'm tired just thinking about it.
The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.
Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.
The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights. The key to being closer in the good times lies in the way a couple treats each other during the bad.
The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but. Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’
The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.
The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies.
The silent treatment happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and the other responds with silence and emotional distance. Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies reviewed 74 relationship studies which involved more than 14,000 participants.
Findings from his in-depth analysis revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful.
‘It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship,’ says Schrodt. ‘And it does tremendous damage.’
It’s an incredibly hard pattern to break because both partners lay the blame at the feet of the other.
‘Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,’ explains Schrodt. ‘Both partners see the other as the problem.’ One partner will typically complain that the other is emotionally unavailable. The other will accuse his or her partner of being too demanding or critical.
When couples become locked in this ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern, the damage can be both emotional and physiological include anxiety and aggression as well as erectile dysfunction and urinary and bowel problems.
It doesn’t matter which partner demands or which one withdraws, the damage to the relationship is the same. It’s the pattern itself that’s the problem, not the specific partner.
The silent treatment should not be confused with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange. Williams suggests that instead of reverting to the silent treatment, try ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later.’
Nobody engages the silent treatment expecting it to damage the relationship, and that’s the danger.
Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with. There is nothing subtle about a physical or verbal lashing, but an accusation of the silent treatment, ‘Are you ignoring me?’ can easily be denied.
Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but it’s not. It’s a way to inflict pain but without the physical marks.
Being noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same.
Being ignored is just as powerful.
